Lustful Disgust

I come out of the water, see you, and dive back in

Something makes me unsettled

Something makes me upset

Something about you makes me suffocate.

I can't swim

I can't find the surface 

I can't find my breath.

A knot forms in my stomach

and lands in my throat.

When I try to scream it out

I realize I'm deaf.

No matter how many times I hear it

No matter how many times I'm told

I'll always come swimming after you

Even if the water is fucking cold.

I don't want to, I don't want to see you smile.

I don't want to see you happy.

I want to see you suffer, like I have for so many long nights

In nothing but my underwear and my arms grasping my bones.

Yet I see nothing but a smile and begin to wonder

Am I happy?

Do I want more?

Do I want forgiveness or just-ness for my wretched soul?

Only 2 decades and I'm as bitter as a bitch.

But I hope your smile will warm me

When I'm willing to look at it without a lustful disgust.

I hope one day I can be happy like you.

Blissful. 

Ignorant.

And unreasonably hard not to adore.